Let me tell you something happened just the other day,
My date was so ugly I almost ran away.
She was just horrific, where can I begin?
When that heifer was born her momma should've pushed her back in.
I met a girl in a nightclub, it was pretty dark.
I thought I'd take her home, just for a lark.
But when I saw her in the light, I ran a mile,
'Cause she looked just like Ryan Stiles.
I'm an ugly woman. Yes, it is not fair.
I have a ugly face and I have no hair.
What can I do? That's the way the fates went.
The only person who'll sleep with me is the president.
I am so ugly that I'll never have a lover.
When I leave the house, all the dogs run for cover.
I'm big and wide and round and my back is real hairy.
Yes, you guessed it, my name is Drew Carey.
My name is Drew Carey!